Looking ahead, I am hoping for some major changes in the week to come. Assuming that I do not sabotage myself this week. I will be going under the knife on Monday and after which, restricted to a liquid diet for as long as it takes to heal. Don’t worry, I’m not dying…it’s just a wisdom tooth extraction. Did I say, a wisdom tooth….sorry I meant two wisdom teeth. simultaneously. Madness? I’ll tell you the next time I log on. Meanwhile,  a friend says she lost 10 pounds after her procedure. While I will be ecstatic to lose such huge numbers when my turn comes, I must confess, I am a little concerned. What does a liquid diet entail and will I be able to hold out?

I’ve been stocking up on yoghurt, Campbell soups and cartons of milk. But can one survive on these alone? What about my staple of keropok, my stash of chocolate chips or my daily ration of noodles. Will I be able to do without? Or perhaps I should just blitz my keropok into fine powder, melt down my chocolate chips and slurp noodle by noodle my ‘yin yong’…that might take a bit of work but at least I wouldn’t have to go without.

It’s crazy but I think I’m more concern about going without my favorite things than I am about the diet itself. Terrible me. Perhaps it is time to evaluate. Maybe this forced liquid diet will detoxify my gluttonous desire once and for all. Let’s find out….

Ironically, I have.

It’s ironic simply because I haven’t been making an effort. I’ve kept to my exercises sporadically. I still try to eat healthily whenever I remember….but while the intention is there, the effort certainly has been absent. Nothing like the sort of hot blooded determination and sweaty workouts pounding the treadmill, that I did last year. YET (and I say this with emphasis) I have maintained my weight and ironically, am even lighter !!

Ask me why, and I’ll have to scratch my head. I really don’t know. The kind of sloppy discipline I’ve been exhibiting these days do not warrant such positive results, and yet it is as I’ve indicated – I swear. I’m not tripping you up. I can’t figure out why….of course, unless you take into consideration stress.

This entire month has been a hair wrenching, pit pulling one for me. In terms of personal worries, I’ve carried the weight of two worlds on my shoulder. A family member’s ill and a non-diagnosis honestly is way worst than knowing. Thankfully, while we’re still in the woods, a light is shinning at the end of a very long and tiring journey….and I am grateful. Perhaps all that running around, being  super busy, tending to everyone’s needs before my own, has been the cause of my wonderful progress. But then again, it is not like I don’t eat at all…I mean I do, just irregularly and well, hurriedly…:D but I still go for it. Plus, I remember one particularly bad day (ok, two) I even reached for that all nourishing, super comforting and assuring bar of chocolate…!!

Oh well, what ever the reason. I am simply grateful and thankful. While I can’t logically understand why, perhaps my inability to comprehend might be a sign not to look a gift in the horse’s mouth. Maybe its God’s way of ”rewarding” me for the stress that I’m going through….I don’t know. Whatever, I’m just happy that at least something’s going my way!

So yes, I’ve learned a new thing for 2010 - stress – major ones – can definately help keep the pounds off…:D

It’s the last day of the old year. As I sit here and type this I reflect on what I’ve started and how far I’ve come.

For the record: I have been inconsistent through out. That best sums up the last 4 months. Some days I’ve been on high, motivated by my success. Other days have been low ones, wallowing in self-doubt and depression. Yet, as I stand at the precipice of 2010, I can honestly say that I have lost and kept off approx 3.6 kilos since September, since starting this endeavour. I survived the Christmas binge. I can also say, hand on heart that I still enjoy going to the gym and I am definitely more aware of how much and what I put into my  mouth. While we’re on the topic of being honest….I have to record also that I am far from exemplary, and I have had bouts of wonton desire (for chocolate or chips) and moments when I’ve slid down hill.

….but….(I try to find a silver lining behind every dark cloud) I have taken my first steps towards a better healthier lifestyle and have found myself at the end of this year, still very much on the path I set out on four months ago.

On that note, the last few months have not entirely been a waste and it is with a great sigh of relief that I say, it has not been a total failure.

As such, my new year’s resolution is to keep at it. To keep doing what I’ve been doing so far. To keep at the path. To keep walking.  To continue making an effort.

If anyone out there is actually reading this – please note that it’s not worth your time.

I try to always be positive, to censor my thoughts, to leave footprints that are wide enough for another to follow. But truth be told…I’m a class 1 idiot. I say I’ll be careful about what I eat. I’ll make resolutions and I’ll write full of gusto that I’ve made a change in me. But when it comes down to crunch time, I find myself reaching for a kacang tumbuk candy or my fist dipping into that bag of peanuts. I am such a failure. I say one thing and I do another. I just can’t keep it together. Melaka was the perfect example of my dual faced personality.

Okay, so I didn’t lose the weight in yesterday. But my success was thanks in large part to the forced disposal of all bodily waste from my gut. So in a way, the win was far from sweet and the victory a dismal one. It wasn’t a real lost.

I wonder if this means that I am destined to be at size for the rest of my life? Will I ever get rid of this desire to eat and maintain sanity in the presence of food? If this entire exercise is to be a life changing one, why is it that my life hasn’t really changed?

Maybe my expectations are just way to high. Maybe all this yo-yo-ing about it normal.

Who knows?

I scraped through this week. Woman 8: Man 5. I lost .2kgs and he gained .2kgs. Excellent work on his part given that he was in Hong Kong most of the week. Lousy work on my part given that I had more than ample opportunity to eat right and to work out.

Still, it was a loss. For that I am grateful.

This week will be hard (as if it ever is easy). I say that not because I am preempting my own failure at the weight in this weekend or as an excuse to be tardy, but really more as a note to myself. A red flag, to watch my food intake when I enter makan-paradise this weekend: Malacca. Going on a food hunt is oh so joyous an occasion but while you’re trying to eat right, it can be a real deal breaker. Still, it couldn’t have been put on hold any longer. Sometimes in life you’ve just got to put yourself out there. Question is, will I survive or will I crash and burn?

So, before I get myself into a position where I will be forced to compromise – I thought I should set some ground rules for myself:

1. It is okay to leave an unfinished bowl (of durian cendol) behind.*slurp*

2. When making my order, remember to ask for a small empty bowl. So that I can eat half the portion and share the other half (of chicken rice balls). *rumble. rumble* 

3. Better still, don’t order any main dishes. Order a side dish (to be placed in the middle and shared by everyone) (satay celup *drool*) while I eat off the children’s plates.

4. If I must have something sweet (like jam tarts) *Mmmmm*- take 1 of whatever it is and pass the rest around. 

5. Drink lots of plain water and remember to focus on the holiday and not every meal 

As I write this I am half expecting a boycott, but my more optimistic half tells me that it is do-able.

Well, I’ll tell you how it goes after the weight in. Let’s hope I don’t bungle this up….

Woman 7: Man 5

That is how last week’s heading read. I wonder how I will fare this week.

I believe that losing weight is not impossible. It is certainly something that can be done and has been done before. Generations of women before me have put on and lost it all, while still keeping a smile on their face. Adds in the media attest to this success, bombarding us with gym memberships and new drinks, diets and equipment that promise a new sexier frame. Before and after pictures that speak volumes. Once upon a time, personal trainers were not classified as a job description, now it is. Information about diet and exercise is everywhere. Everywhere you go, in the newspapers, magazine adverts, on bus stops, TV, flyers etc.  Even for those that don’t care and are not searching for ways to cut the fat – the information is there. Usually, thrust into your hands while you’re trying to push a cart load of food at the supermarket. Slender young things who ‘randomly’ decide that you fall within the category of those who need to know more about their latest weight loss discovery, shamelessly feel obliged to make sure you’re informed.

This multi billion dollar market can’t be wrong. Someone must have achieved some sense of success, otherwise they wouldn’t be selling…right? which brings me back to my submission in the first place - it can be done.

But knowing it can be done, and doing it is absolutely A DIFFERENT THING.

Why do people succeed? I think its one part  exercise, one part diet (and this is the part everyone knows about) AND (this is the bit no one really knows much about) one part determination/perseverance/ focus/ gungo-ness/ stick to it-ness (what ever you call it)

Funnily enough it’s the last  1/3 that really make all the difference in the world. Not the diet or the exercise, altho’ that does give you a booster. 

After my dismal display on the scales last week, and my cave time – I realise (once again) that it’s all up to me. While circumstances in life might sometimes make it harder for you to exercise and make the right food choices, you can’t give up. Failing and trying is still better than giving up and packing up.

So….this week, I jumped back on. This time I took time off to go to the gym. I went twice this week. I also went back to having more salad-based meals and while I still snacked a little, I made sure I drank loads of water and chewed gum. Somewhere a long the journey I had slowly but unconsciously stopped my gum chewing exercise after each meal, and worst still, I had brought carb’s back for dinner. Somehow I had lost the will to fight. Some where along the way, it had become boring. It was still worth-it, I still felt more liberated, more confident – but I had become complacent. Unwilling to walk the talk.

This week, a friend passed on. Very unexpectedly. Oddly, the obituary today listed quite a number of other people who also passed on at or about the same time. Life is so very short. It was like a wake up call. While I could have taken it to mean, life is short so live it up – eat all you want. OR I could have seen it as, take care of your body, its the only want that you’ve got, the only one that will keep you alive.

Reading about Tiger Wood’s indiscretions this morning. Published alongside it was an aticle that said, when it comes down to the wire, only two things are real in life - your health and your family.

With that, and the jolting reminder that life is short – I have chosen the latter attitude to adopt.

Anyway, I hope that when I stand on those scales two days from now, my resolution would be reflected back at me. God knows, I need that encouragement to boost up my 1/3rd – which is horribly lacking now. To keep the motivation going, the gungho-ness on high gear and the I can do it-ness, sincere and crystal clear in my mind….I have to constantly remind myself, over an over again, that it is all worth it.

“He’s catching up” someone said.

“Yeah…” I responded, totally blahh.

It’s depressing. This week he’s been digging out his old clothes. The one’s he thought would never see the light of day again. Apparently his current pants are no longer current. It’s too loose. That and the fact that his existing tee’s hang like a towel on him and his work shirts now look like they were fashioned from the James Bond wardrobe for the perfectly tailored fit.

Jealousy does not begin to describe it. I mean, I’m proud of my man. He looks great and getting hotter by the week. But the question is, what about me?

This week, I was a rebel. Not because I had a point to prove. I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I ditched exercise in favour of the age old excuse – I don’t have time, I’m too busy. I did find time to do two uninspiring sessions of tele-watching-half-hearted- leg-lifts and jumps….but that was about it. My diet was a lukewarm reception of eating right at breakfast, bingeing at lunch and feeling guilty at dinner. I was so lost. I felt lost. I lost my focus. I don’t know anymore why I am doing this….and most of all, waking up early is no longer fun.

I still like the way i look in shorts but I think my silhouette still requires some major chiseling work. Pilates is still fun and the stuff I know on nutrition in my head is still there. Otherwise, my confidence is at an all time negative something to the power of infinity low and my desire to work out is at about the same place. If men have caves which they go to on a bad day, women have dark abysmal caverns too…we’re not that different.

I think I would like to stay in here for another week. The darkness all around me is very comforting. And right now, I need that.

I lost this week. Entirely my own doing, I confess. But I had GOOD reasons for it. Last week’s laziness spilled over to this week. I just couldn’t wake myself up in the mornings. I blame it on pms and the gloomy weather. It’s been perfect for sleeping in. To compound matters,  AXN has had nothing great showing at 6 (unless watching a bunch of contestants get wiped out, is your thing) and besides my exercise mat got soiled this week when baby’s diaper malfunctioned and unloaded its contents onto the very mat I put my face on. Kind of turned me off exercise after a while. No matter how much I wash it, the mental image doesn’t quite disappear as quickly as the stain.

Good reasons for my inability to exercise? I think so.

Then why do I feel so lousy?

I went running out Sunday morning, after the weigh in fiasco. I had put on 0.6kgs. I felt blahh…both emotionally and physically a wreck…regretting the very steps I was taking to get out of the house. I was fighting the seductive desire of sleep. Yet, after 45 minutes of ‘torture’ I walked back through those very same doors and felt alive. The same kind of feeling you get when you’re travelling. Apparently its pure endorphins, but I like to think of it as more than chemical combustion.  To me it was more like happiness with a splash of confidence and a dose of pure satisfaction for getting the job done.

I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish exercise and waking up early didn’t have to be such a mental challenge. If only just a touch of the rush (the reward) is anticipated before the drugery…it might have made it easier. Maybe someone would someday invent that. Press a button and get a zapp…with voice overhead reminding the user ‘…and that’s how great you’ll feel after the entire session….’ *rolling eyes upward* If only.  

Which explains my current predicament. So do I have a good reason to bugger off, or don’t I? and if I did, why do I feel like such a fraud.

That’s when the wise woman inside of me replied: In life (as with everything else) nothing comes free or easy, my dear girl….and that includes a more confident you, a healthier life and a killer bod! You had plausible reasons, perhaps the pms did slow you down some what…but the bottom line is –  Life is difficult. Everything you want comes with a price. If you really what this ..stop whining and get moving. To quote Jillian “there’s no I Can’t in life..”

With that swift kick in my butt I realise, once again, that it’s all up to me.  No more excuses. No matter how good.

I won. The title above this post says it all.

Last night was pizza night. A treat for my boys. Temptation night for me. But instead of joining them in front of the TV with the two super sized boxes, I made some soup for myself (stuffed with loads of greens) and took 2 slices away. I ate it at the table before joining them with a huge bowl of fruits.

Not too long ago, I would never have been able to do that.  

I won this morning’s weigh in. Not by a huge margin. I blame it entirely on my lazy lacklustre attitude. Most mornings this week saw me waking up to watch Scarlett O’Hara on the Hallmark channel, working up a sweat was ancillary to the point.  What Scarlett and Rett were up to, now that was worth waking up for. I suppose getting up and keeping to the schedule, having an exercise time no matter how uninspiring – is still something to be proud of. Perhaps staying the course is more important than how much exercise I get in.

Regardless of which theory one subscribes to, the evidence is in that exercise intensity (or the lack of it) didn’t hamper my progress at all. Maybe, the secret is not whether you fail today or win tomorrow…but that you never ever quit. As they say in the Robinson’s household ‘keep moving forward’.

…and I intend to do just that.

This morning we went shopping and some part of me suddenly awoke. I never previously looked at clothes or fashion in any real way, except for whether this season’s styles would fit a frame like mine and which cuts would flatter. In fact I hardly bought clothes, beyond what I needed. Clothes were a necessity. It was like food. You bought only what you needed. That applied also to shoes. I never looked beyond that. Why bother? when nothing fits. When every shopping session ends in depression and disappointment….you learn. You learn not to get your hopes up.  To shop only at designated stores that carry UK or European sizes and learned to buy standard black pieces that looked classic and timeless.  If I went into a new shop I would pre-empt my questions to the sales girls by asking if she thought the XL would fit me…that way I would save myself the hassle and the pain of trying it on only to see my reflection in the mirror. Being reminded that one looks like christmas ham is not flattering. Believe me.

But today, it was nothing like that. It’s like my eyes were opened to the possibilities. The many possibilities all round me. Everything looked beautiful, the clothes on the rack seemed to be calling out to me. I reached for colours, prints and different styles. While I still liked the black ensembles, I didn’t feel restricted. I didn’t feel the need to standardize my clothes anymore. I was not intimidated at being shadowed by sales girls and more amazingly, I tried on a couple of dresses. That in itself is a miracle. The last time I wore a dress, I was walking down the aisle. That’s how long it has been since my confidence waved good-bye.

While most have not returned, enough has come back to give me a different perspective. It’s not all together a bad perspective, although I know it boarders on vanity, still….it is something inbred, innate and inborn in a woman. The feeling of wanting to be beautiful.  So, can you begrudge me for it? It’s in my blood, and it’s a feeling that I didn’t know I had missed, until this morning.

It’s funny because baggy clothes were comfortable clothes for me, before. Now I reach for clothes that fit me. Not too tight (I’m level headed enough to know that I am still a zillion miles away from super model material) but enough to flatter. 

In a way it has given me motivation to keep going. Unfortunately, tomorrow’s the weigh in and any additional boost at this point might not reflect on the scales. Still, not everything can be quantifiable. Some benefits can only be felt.